Updated: Sep 14
When I was 26 I fell in love.
I wasn't even looking to fall in love which, if you know me, was rare. Those days in my life were spent daydreaming about some handsome boy I would meet under love-story-type of circumstances and we would live happily ever after and go on adventures non-stop.
But when I met this person, which for his privacy's sake I'll call Ronaldo, I had just about given up on the idea of meeting someone in the style of a Taylor Swift song because I had other things going for me. I was enjoying my job, my friendships, independence and traveling.
Then he walked in. All tattoos and beard and straight teeth and muscles on his muscles. I should have known he was trouble, pero no.
Ay Keilita caramba (as my dad says when I royally mess up.)
Ronaldo asked me out and I said yes but then the day came and I chickened out and canceled at the last minute. This happened once more and then on the third ask I actually did go.
He made me laugh, told me I was smart, took me places I hadn't been to before, called me in the mornings and nights and texted me throughout the day. We were both gym rats and worked really well together, when we worked out we didn't even need to talk to know what the other one needed. Some nights we would talk until two or three in the morning about everything and anything. I was happy because I thought I had found my person.
Then, very slowly and so quietly I didn't even notice things began to change. He would say things like "Tu no me quieres de verdad, yo no te importo...." and all that manipulative monologue which I didn't recognize at that time. So I tried harder to show him I cared.
He met my parents, visited my church a couple of times, came to a few family functions . And that was it. No one saw him after our first year together because he stopped trying.
I was convinced I was the problem because he told me so. "Ya tu no eres la Keila de antes," was one of his favorite lines. So I would try to be her again. Except I couldn't because I was always walking on egg shells and la Keila de antes was happy and full of joy and trust.
Any problem that would come up, I would be the one to solve it. I'm talking everything from a doctors note because he missed work to helping him sell his car to then buy another car. I was basically Olivia Pope minus the fancy apartment and big wine glasses.
My projects, my friends, my family, church, everything, took a backseat to him. My face was breaking out, I was always sick, and I was always crying. Pero ahi seguia yo caramba. Because I was convinced I could fix us.
He blocked me several times as a way to get me to "behave". My misbehaviors included but were not limited to: disagreeing with him, not answering the phone when he called, taking too long to text back, going somewhere without texting him that I was going there, not letting him look through my phone, and many more.
It was an emotional rollercoaster. One day we were good and the next we weren't. I was basically addicted to the "good" times so I was willing to walk through the really dark and terrible times to get my next "high". I did some research and this is apparently called emotional addiction.
My brother, my cousin May and my best friend slapped sense into me, figuratively and sometimes also literally. They reminded me of who I was. They showed me what I had become but most importantly they stood up for me when I didn't know how to stand up for myself. They helped me re-wire my brain.
The last time Ronaldo blocked me friends, was the last time he blocked me. Cuando se le paso su perreta me llamo pero no conteste. Me escribio, pero no conteste. Me dejo un voicemail, pero no respondi. Hasta un email me mando. Pero NO conteste. Antes el me bloqueaba y ahora yo lo bloqueo.
Sure I missed him sometimes but then I remembered how AWFUL he was and I got over it. I went out with my friends, read books, ate well, slept well, rode my bike, went to the beach, watched movies, laughed, went on dates, grew my hair, did my nails, walked, journaled, danced.
I'm thriving. My health is good again, I see my family and my friends much more often, I have projects I'm invested in, I'm happy. But most importantly, I have peace.
I was convinced I could make it work, but friends, what's not meant for us won't ever work and the more we try the sadder we will be. We will break off pieces of ourselves to fit through some door that's not for us. I learned that the hard way. Look at your healthy relationships. They are based on give and take, balance, growth, sympathy, compassion, communication, loyalty.
Le deseo que este bien, pero bien lejos de mi.
If it's not meant to be, let it go because it will make you sick and keep you from the things that ARE meant for you. Had I stayed with Ronaldo, I would have never started this blog or started my online shop or been there for my friends and family when they needed me and I would have never been able to do my job as well as I do. Also, he was taking up the space meant for some cool dude out there who is meant for me.
Porque lo que esta pa ti, nadie te lo quita!
And now I leave you with this Bible verse: Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. Ephesians 5:17.
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